“Can’t we all just get along?”

Actually, even when it comes to the oddly unnatural act of merging two families of (often if not usually) near-complete strangers in a marriage ceremony, the answer is “Yes, you can all get along.” The alternative? Well, just look at what happened to the children of the Capulets and Montagus.

First, know the rules. Then, if, when and where everyone agrees in order not to kill each other and achieve the aim of all marriages – grandchildren – you may alter the rules to fit.

Second, recognize who you are. If you are father of the bride, all the social movements in the world have not changed the fact that you are the one responsible for paying for the wedding. If you are mother of the bride, you get to plan it.

Really? Even in this day and age? Yes. Really. Those are the rules.

If you are a parent of the groom you are a guest at the wedding and the reception. You are not REQUIRED to pitch in a dime. It has become customary for you to host the rehearsal dinner. Other than that, just be a good guest.

Thankfully, most of you aren’t getting married as young as you used to. So, brides and grooms, you’re welcome to break the rules and help out with the bill – and the planning. If you are the bride, that means you will probably insist on dwelling on the most trivial matters, as if paying microscopic attention to the insignificant will make you the Ridley Scott of wedding directors.

You are wrong if you think that these matters are anything but a wedge between you and your mother, or, God forbid, your fiancé. Choose your battles carefully; perhaps you are wise enough to realize that there needn’t be any battles at all. Just remember that these details are not the thing that will turn the ceremony from the talk of the town to mere gossip -- unless you are such a control freak, that when the minister asks the question, “Is there anyone among you who knows any reason why these two should not be married,” your mother and maid of honor raise their hands out of pity for the groom.

All of the hoopla surrounding a wedding should be FOR the couple, not BY the couple. With that in mind, you, the bride, should take your fantasies and daydreams and wishes ever since you were a little thing watching Cinderella and dreaming of your fairytale princess wedding; take all that and describe it to your mom and your friends and let them bring something to the table. Maybe your church has a wedding specialist who will help, too. Also, many places where you’d have a wedding and/or a reception have full-time wedding planners that come at no extra charge.

So, that takes care of the parents and in-laws. Now, for the outlaw. That’s the bride (and sometimes the mother of the bride) who won’t listen to reason, who is “out” for money, “out” for blood, who insists on making everyone else glad they’re not the ones who have to marry her. It’s almost impossible for a bride not to keep thinking, “Hey! It’s my day, so…” The trick is in not ever saying that, or even conveying that feeling.

There are a whole lot of wedding books out there. The one amateur wedding planners ought to pick up first is a wedding etiquette book. Judith Martin, aka “Miss Manners,” is one of the most entertaining writers around, and is a marvel in the quality of her revelations regarding the real do’s and don’ts of this hopefully once-in-a-lifetime undertaking. Did we say “undertaking?” No, no. That’s a different ceremony altogether.